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Maybe you’re not fighting about what you think you’re fighting about.
You might start by talking about the dishes, the schedule, the kids, money, sex, family, or something that happened weeks ago. Somehow, you end up in the same argument.
One of you may push to talk because the distance feels unbearable. The other gets defensive, shuts down, or needs space because nothing they say seems to help. The more one reaches, the more the other pulls away.
Or maybe you both get louder. Maybe you both go quiet. Maybe there are certain things you’ve stopped bringing up altogether.
Underneath it, you may both be wondering some version of the same thing:
Do you understand me? Do I matter to you? Are we okay?
So, how does couples therapy actually help?
The problem isn’t either of you. It’s the pattern you get caught in together.
In couples therapy, we’ll slow that pattern down and understand what’s happening beneath the anger, defensiveness, criticism, shutting down, or distance.
Often, the reactions that frustrate your partner most are attempts to protect something much more vulnerable underneath: the fear of not mattering, of being rejected, of being misunderstood, of disappointing the person you love, or of losing the relationship altogether.
When you can recognize the cycle as it’s happening and understand what each of you actually needs in those moments, you can start responding differently to each other.
Couples therapy can help when…
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You keep having the same argument without ever really resolving it.
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One of you pursues while the other shuts down or pulls away.
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Communication quickly turns into defensiveness, criticism, anger, or silence.
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You love each other but feel more like roommates than partners.
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A past hurt, betrayal, or breach of trust keeps showing up between you.
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Sex, intimacy, affection, or emotional closeness has changed.
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Parenthood, family, work, or another major life transition has shifted your relationship.
Or maybe nothing is terribly “wrong". You just miss feeling like you’re on the same team, or want to build a stronger foundation for what’s ahead.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
My work with couples is grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an attachment-based approach that gives us a clear roadmap for understanding what’s happening between you and creating something different.
EFT happens in stages:
01
First, understand the cycle
We’ll get clear on the pattern you get caught in together: what tends to set it off, how each of you reacts, and how those reactions keep feeding each other. The first step is helping you recognize it as it happens, so you can become less reactive.
02
Then, reach each other differently
As things slow down, we can get underneath your usual reactions and make more room for what’s harder to say. You’ll practice taking new emotional risks with each other, asking for what you need, and responding differently when your partner reaches for you.
03
Finally, strengthen the new pattern
We’ll help those new ways of communicating and connecting become more familiar, so you have a different way of handling conflict, repairing after hard moments, and reaching for each other outside of therapy.
There’s a structure to the work, but it won’t feel like following a script. We’ll move through it at a pace that makes sense for your relationship and what the two of you need.
What couples therapy with me looks like
Couples therapy with me is active, curious, and collaborative. I’m not going to sit quietly and watch you have the same argument you have at home. I’ll interrupt when it’s useful, ask questions, and help both of you say the things that can be surprisingly hard to put into words when you’re talking directly to each other. And when conflict makes it hard to see the good in yourselves or each other, I’ll keep sight of the people underneath the reactions.
Sometimes that means slowing down a tense moment before it gets away from you. Sometimes I’ll ask one of you to turn toward your partner and say something again in a different way. I may point out when what you heard isn’t quite what your partner meant, or help you stay with a feeling long enough to understand what you really need in that moment.
I’ll also want to get to know each of you as people, not just as two halves of a couple. The families you grew up in, the relationships you’ve had, what makes you feel cared for, what makes you pull away, and what you’ve learned to expect from the people closest to you all matter.
You don’t need to come in knowing how to fix your relationship. My job is to help create conversations that are hard to have on your own and help you hear and understand each other differently, so something different can happen when you leave the session, too.
When you're ready
We are here
Currently accepting clients in:
Rye, New York, and Virtually
Clients, Inquiries & Referrals please email:
Media Inquiries please email:
Call or Text: (929) 483-3402
